Headlines that could have been dated April 1, from the Telegraph

Swedish men told to beware testicle-munching fish
Experts have warned Swedish men to keep their swimming trunks on if taking a dip in a sound off the country's southern coast, after a South American fish known for attacking testicles was discovered in the area.

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Telegraph, 3 September:
Testicle munching fish now found in River Seine in Paris
A South American fish known as the "ball-cutter" due to its taste for human testicles has been caught in Paris' Seine river.
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Long arm of the law saves officer caught with his trousers down
An armed police officer who had sex with a married woman while on duty kept his job after arguing that he could still reach his gun because it was attached to his trousers around his ankles.

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343 French sign 'Don't Touch My Whore' petition

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Court refuses trial by combat

A court has rejected a 60-year-old man's attempt to invoke the ancient right to trial by combat, rather than pay a £25 fine for a minor motoring offence. Leon Humphreys remained adamant yesterday that his right to fight a champion nominated by the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA) was still valid under European human rights legislation.